TO GO FORWARDS, GO BACK
by SharonLouise
Summary: Sara is having a hard time at the lab and decides that she needs time away to confront her past in the hopes that she will be able to move on from it. This is a Sara and Brass friendship piece no pairings
1. Chapter 1

TO GO FORWARDS GO BACK.

DISCLAIMER although I would love to say they were mine I can't sorry.

SPOILERS none really although this is set in season 4 after Butterflied.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

"Hey Sara, what are you doing here? Weren't you in court all day?"

Sara Sidle turned around in the lab corridor outside DNA. Standing in front of her was the DNA lab rat.

"Hi Greg. Yes I was in court today." She replied with a small smile.

"Thought so, 'cos I can't remember the last time that I saw you in a skirt!" Greg chuckled making sure that he had taken a very large step backwards. "So what are you doing in tonight? You're not on shift."

"I'll ignore your horrible comment for now Greg Sanders." Sara gave him a half hearted glare. "I've just got to give some paperwork to Grissom. Is he in?"

"Yeah, he was in his office a while ago, most likely still is." Greg answered her. As Sara stood in front of him Greg took a few moments to really look at his friend. "Sara are you okay?" he asked concerned.

Sara took a step towards him and placed a hand on his arm.

"I'm fine Greg, thank you for asking." Sara gave him a gentle smile. "I'd better be going. Take care I'll see you later."

Sara turned away from her friend and walked down the corridor towards Grissoms office. A few moments later she was stood in his doorway, watching as Grissom sat quietly behind his desk signing paperwork. Sara gave a small knock on the office door. Grissom looked up surprised to see Sara standing there.

"Sara! What are you doing here? You aren't on shift tonight are you?" he asked as he removed his glasses and rubbed a hand over his face.

"You got a minute?" Sara asked choosing to ignore his question.

"Sure, what's wrong?"

Sara walked into the office and shut the door behind her. She moved forwards slowly and sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. Grissom watched her, not at all sure what was happening. This was a totally different Sara to what he was used to. Sara reached into her briefcase and pulled out a form which she handed over to Grissom. Grissom took it, read it quickly and then sat back stunned.

"Sara this is a vacation form. For 6 weeks." Grissom finally managed to say. "I can't sign this, we need you here. Come back in a couple of weeks and I'll sort out you taking some time off then."

Once again Sara reached into her briefcase, this time pulling out a sealed envelope. She placed it on the desk between them.

"Grissom," she said leaning back, "Either you sign and let me go for the 6 weeks or I'm gone for good. My letter of resignation is there, I'm sure I have enough vacation time owing that I won't have to work my notice."

"But why Sara?" Grissom was puzzled; he had no idea what to do.

"I need to get away from the lab. The choice is yours Grissom give me the time off or let me go." Sara's voice was quiet.

Grissom stood up and walked around his desk to stand next to Sara.

"Sara, please talk to me. Have I done anything wrong?" he asked trying to look into Sara's eyes

"Grissom, sign the form, please." Sara ignored his question. She started to push the chair back, ready to stand up and leave.

"Okay, I'll sign it," Grissom answered her reluctantly. "Can I ask you a question before you go?"

Sara looked up at him, her face pale.

"Go on."

"Will you come back after the 6 weeks? Honestly." He asked his voice quiet.

Sara stood up and reached for her briefcase.

"Honestly? I don't know Griss. Vegas is not a good place for me at the moment. I think you know that. I need to take some time away from Vegas and you." Sara answered him.

As Grissom stood next to her, his hand moved towards her arm gently laying on it.

"Will you let me know if I can do anything to help? And what you decide to do?" he asked her.

"I'll let you know if I decide anything major." Sara answered; she turned and walked to the door. Before she opened it Sara turned and gave Grissom a small smile,

"Thank you." She said and then left the office.

Grissom sat back down behind his desk, staring at Sara's vacation form. With a heavy sigh Grissom signed and dated it.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

Sara reached her car without bumping into anybody from the graveyard shift. She knew that the guys would be upset that she hadn't told them about her plans. Sara quickly unlocked her car and stowed her briefcase away in the boot next to her field kit. She was just about to climb in and drive away when a voice called to her across the parking lot.

"Hey Kiddo! I thought you were off tonight." Called Jim Brass.

Sara looked up and gave the Detective a small smile.

"I am Jim." She said as he walked towards her.

"So what are you doing here then?" Jim leaned against the side of Sara's car looking at her.

"I needed to give Grissom a form." She replied with a heavy sigh. "I'm taking some vacation time."

Jim smiled at Sara.

"Hey that's great. A couple of weeks off are just what you need. I know you heard him talking to that Doc."

Sara reached over to Jim and laid a finger against his lips. Jim looked at her, surprised to see tears in her eyes.

"Jim, it's more than a couple of weeks." She told him quietly. "Look I've got to go; I've got to finish packing."

"Sara just how long are we talking about?" Jim was very concerned for his young friend. Ever since Sara had joined the graveyard shift she held a special place in Jim's mind. "Look let's grab a coffee, you can't go without telling me what's happening."

Sara sighed and gave Jim a small smile.

"Okay, follow me, we can grab a coffee at mine." She said as she turned and climbed into her car.

"Okay wait for me." Jim quickly headed to his own car and was soon following Sara back to her apartment. When he pulled up Sara was already out of her car, her field kit and briefcase next to her on the ground.

"Come on." She said as he joined her at her car.

"Lead on McDuff." Jim smiled as he caught sight of Sara's smirk and head shake.

A few moments later Sara opened her apartment door and led the way inside. She placed her kit and briefcase down next to her computer desk and then made her way to the small kitchen area.

"Coffee or would you rather a beer?" she turned to ask Jim.

Jim walked into the kitchen and leaned against the centre unit.

"Whatever you are having, I'm easy." He told her.

"Coffee it is then. I've got an early start tomorrow." Sara turned and pulled down the coffee and quickly set about making the hot drinks. "Why don't you grab a seat? I'm just going to change into something a bit more comfortable."

Jim watched as Sara slipped her shoes off and made her way down the hallway to her bedroom. Once her bedroom door had closed behind her, he moved into the living area of the apartment and sat down on the couch. He looked around the room taking in all the small details (he was a detective after all) the plants and all the pictures. One picture stood out from all the others, so Jim got up to have a closer look. It was one of the full graveyard team, himself included, taken the first Christmas that Sara was in Vegas. Jim smiled at the memory, Sara looked so happy; she was stood between Grissom and himself, her arms thrown around them both. Jim gave a sigh and turned around to go and sit back down. He was surprised to see Sara stood behind him, he hadn't heard her come back into the room.

"It's hard to believe that was taken four years ago." She said as she looked at the photo.

"You were happy then Sara." Jim told her as he walked back to the couch. "What's gone wrong?"

Sara turned towards Jim and handed over the coffee mug she was holding. She went and sat down in the chair next to the couch where Jim was sat. Sara curled her legs up and rested her own coffee mug on her knee. She was silent for a moment thinking about how to answer. Sara knew that whatever she told him would stay between them.

"When I first got here, I really thought I was wanted, not just as a CSI but as me. All these little hopes and dreams were given but they didn't mean anything to him. Now at best he ignores me, at worst he treats me like his worst enemy. I'm sure he is nicer to Ecklie than he is to me." Sara leant back taking a sip of her coffee.

Jim sat there, staring at her, thinking what an absolute ass his friend was to treat her like that.

"Sara, you know what he is like. Half the time he doesn't realise how he treats people."

"Jim, you have seen how he treats me. Does he act the same way to Nick, Warrick or even Greg? Hell no, it's just me."

"Sara, I can't say anything to excuse him. He is a number 1 ass when it comes to you. He does care about you deeply but he just doesn't know how to act concerning his feelings."

"I know Jim, that is why I'm going away for a while. There are things in my past I have to confront and put to rest. Then hopefully I can decide whether I stay here hoping he will pull his head out of his ass or I go away and totally forget about him. I know I can't go on like this and it's not just him. He hasn't forced me to stay here being unhappy; I've done that all by myself."

Jim put his now empty coffee cup down and looked over at Sara.

"I don't know what to say Sara," he told her. "I want that happy Sara back." Jim pointed at the photo that he had looked at earlier.

Sara gave him a small smile.

"So do I Jim, so do I. That is why I'm going back home."

Jim stood up and looked at his watch; they had been sat there for over an hour talking.

"I should be going, let you finish packing. Is there anything I can do while you are away?" he asked her, watching as she moved to the kitchen sink and placed the mugs there.

"Well you could always water my plants and keep an eye on things here for me." Sara answered with a smile.

"Of course I will. Anything else? Give somebody a hard kick in the ass maybe?" Jim laughed; maybe going away will do Sara some good he thought.

"Umm, let me think about that. Nah not worth it. Here's my spare key, just pop in once a week that should be enough." Sara handed over the key and moved down the hallway. "I should get on; it's a long drive back to Tamales Bay." Sara's face grew sad.

Jim looked up at her, noticing the sudden change.

"Hey, the past can't be that bad can it?" he moved towards Sara intent on giving her a hug.

Sara moved away quickly.

"You would never believe me if I told you Jim." She said quietly. "Go on get out of here and don't kill my plants! Especially the one he gave me!"

"Maybe I would believe you Sara if you tried telling me one day." Jim headed to the door." Don't worry I won't kill them, and Sara call me at least once a week. 6 weeks is a long time not to hear your voice. I want to know you are okay."

Sara followed Jim to the door.

"Okay, I'll phone you once I get there tomorrow and then at least once a week. Hopefully I will be able to sort things out there quickly."

At the door Jim pulled Sara into a quick hug.

"Take care of yourself, promise me." He said as he left.

"I will. Thanks Jim, for everything."

Sara gave him a small wave and then shut the door. She gave a heavy sigh as she leant back against it. Sara was dreading going back home but she knew that if she wanted to move forwards with her life she had to go back. Sara moved away from the door and headed to her bedroom where her suitcase was thrown on the bed. All she had to do was throw in the last minute bits in the morning. Sara shut it and moved it onto the floor. She quickly stripped off her clothes, throwing them into the hamper and was soon stood under the hot shower.

It wasn't until Sara was laid in her bed that she let her mind wander back to her plans for the next few days. First she would revisit her childhood home and then her father's grave. Then came the hardest part of all, visiting her mother. Sara had not seen her since that fateful day that she had killed Sara's father.

Just as Sara was finally dropping off to sleep, Grissom's face came to invade her thoughts.

"I'll always be here for you Sara," the image said to her, "until the day you tell me I'm too late."

The image faded as Sara fell into a deep sleep.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

TBC?

Hope you like it; if you do I'm sure you know the drill!! Please review you know you want to!


	2. Chapter 2

TO GO FORWARD GO BACK part 2

Disclaimer please see chapter 1

AN Sorry it has taken me a while to update. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Many thanks to 43n5icfr3ak, GSR4EVA and Haldir's Heart and Soul for the wonderful reviews.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

After a gruelling six hour journey Sara eventually pulled into the parking lot in front of a small run down motel. She got out of her car, stretching her back and arms as she did. Before reaching into the trunk to pull out her case Sara took a few moments to look around. The motel was right on the outskirts of Tamales Bay but from the look of it the town didn't seem to have changed. Sara could have booked into a hotel in town or even a bed and breakfast but she hadn't wanted to. She knew that the chance of anybody remembering her was slim but Sara didn't want to risk it. With a heavy sigh Sara reached into the trunk and pulled out her case. She slowly made her way inside to the reception.

"Good afternoon," she said to the receptionist behind the desk. "I booked a room for a couple of weeks. The name is Sidle."

The receptionist looked up in total disinterest.

"Oh yeah, room 17, it's at the back." The receptionist turned around and grabbed a set of keys; she quickly handed them over to Sara and was soon sat back watching her television programme.

"Thank you," Sara said quietly as she took the offered keys.

Sara slowly made her way down the corridor heading for her room. Once in her room Sara quickly unpacked her case, placing her clothes into the small wardrobe and set of drawers. Before putting her case away Sara pulled out a set of sheets and pillowcases. A few moments later Sara was stretched out on the freshly made bed. She reached into her bag and pulled out her cell phone, she had just remembered that she had to call Jim.

"Hi Jim, I guess you've been called in. Just to let you know I've got here and am okay. Well I'll call you again in a couple of days. Oh say hi to the guys for me. Bye Jim and thanks." Sara quickly ended the call and lay back on the bed. Within in minutes she had fallen into a fitful sleep.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

Sara woke the next morning to the beeping of her cell phone announcing that she had a text message. She slowly reached over and opened it to discover that she had five new messages. A couple were from Nick and Warrick which made her giggle and the one from Greg had her laughing out loud. At least the guys weren't mad at her. The message from Jim was just a simple thanks for phoning to let him know that she had arrived, and that he would call her later. The message from Grissom she left unopened, she wasn't ready to deal with him on top of all that lay ahead of her today. Maybe she would open it later.

Sara pulled herself out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower. Considering how run down the motel was on the outside the rooms were surprisingly clean and the shower was actually hot. After washing away the grime from yesterdays journey Sara hurriedly dressed and headed out of the motel.

After stopping to grab a coffee Sara pulled up outside a smart looking bed and breakfast near to the beach. Sara got out of her car and leaned against the bonnet slowly drinking her coffee. There were so many bad memories spinning around her head that Sara didn't notice a black car pull up beside her and somebody get out of it.

"Can I help you Miss?" a male voice asked her.

Sara blinked and turned to face the man talking to her.

"Sara!" the man exclaimed reaching out an arm towards her.

Sara looked stunned; she slowly pushed herself away from her car.

"Sara it's me Danny."

"Danny? But what are you doing here?"

"I bought the old place a couple of years ago, did it up hoping it would drive away the bad memories." Danny told Sara, all the time staring at her. "You look good sis."

"Thanks. So did it work?" Sara turned back to look at the house, her face blank.

"Yes, it's a happy home now. I've got two little girls. What about you? Married? Kids?" Danny turned to look at his younger sister.

"No, neither." Sara took a sip of her cold coffee and grimaced. "You said that you would come back for me." She said in a small sad voice.

"I know, I'm sorry." Danny turned away from Sara's piercing stare. "I did come back but it was too late. He was dead, mom was in prison and they wouldn't tell me where you were. I looked for you Sar I really did but I couldn't find out anything. Look why don't you come in, I'll get you a fresh coffee and you can meet the girls."

Sara turned to her brother, tears in her eyes.

"I can't go in there Danny. Every day I still see him, hitting, punching kicking mom and me. It got worse after you left, he blamed me. Every day I can smell the blood, taste it even. He tried to rape me that night, which is what caused her to kill him." Sara started to sob as the memories flooded back.

"Sara, come on, that's all gone. It's in the past." Danny told her as he reached out and grabbed her arm.

"No!" Sara screamed, pulling her arm away. "Let go of me!" Sara turned and ran down the path towards the beach, her sobs echoing behind her.

"Sara! Wait!" Danny started after her, his face full of concern.

Sara stopped and spun around to face her brother, tears streaming down her face.

"Stay away from me Danny, stay away!" she cried and then ran down onto the beach.

Danny stood there staring after her; he just didn't know how to help.

"Danny, you okay? Who was that?" an arm reached around his waist.

Danny turned to look at his wife, giving her a small smile.

"I'm okay." He gave a heavy sigh, "that was Sara."

"Oh. Is she alright? Why don't you go after her?" his wife asked, she knew all about the past.

"No, I think it will do more harm if I do. I'll wait here. You go in Honey, I'm okay." He gave his wife a gentle hug and watched her walk back towards the house.

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

Sara finally stopped running and sat down on a small out crop of rocks far away from the house, sobs still racking through her body. She was sat staring into space when her cell phone rang. Sara tried to get her breathing under control as she reached into her pocket and pulled it out. After getting her sobs under control Sara answered it.

"Hi." She said in a small voice.

"Hey kiddo, I thought I would catch you." Jim's voice rang out. "How's it going?"

"Hey Jim, I'm fine," Sara's voice caught in her throat another sob threatening to overcome her.

"Sara what's wrong?" Jim had heard the threatened sob. "Tell me Sara, what's wrong?"

"I can't do it Jim, it's too hard." Sara sobbed, "It hurts too much, I just can't face it."

"Sara where are you? Honey tell me where you are?" Jim's voice quietened down as he tried to calm Sara. "I'm going to come to you, it might take me a few hours but I'm coming, okay? Now tell me where you are."

Sara's sobs died down a little, Jim's reassuring voice calming her.

"I'm at the beach."

"Okay honey. I'm getting on the next flight and then I'll drive straight to you. Is your car nearby?"

"Yes." Sara answered quietly.

"Good, now go to your car and drive to your motel. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes, but he will be there." Sara's breathing got faster as she fought the panic rising in her throat.

"Who Sara? Who's waiting there for you?" Jim was starting to panic; he had never known Sara act like this.

"My brother." Sara whispered.

"Okay, is he going to hurt you?" Jim asked, rushing out of his office.

"No, he won't."

"Okay, here's what you are going to do. Ignore him, get in your car, lock the doors and drive away. I'm coming kiddo don't worry."

"Okay, I can do that." Sara stood up and started walking back up the beach

"Good girl. Now I've got to go and get to the airport. I'll phone you as soon as I land. Sara you can do this, I know you can, you're strong."

"Thanks Jim," Sara told him, her voice getting stronger.

"That's my girl. I'll see you soon Sara. Bye."

"Bye Jim." Sara hung up the phone just as she reached the path leading back to her car. She took a deep breath and started up it.

Danny was stood leaning against his own car when he saw Sara walking back towards him.

"Sara, I'm sorry." He told her as he stepped towards her.

"I can do this," Sara whispered to herself totally ignoring Danny. "Just get in the car and drive away. I can do it."

Sara quickly unlocked her car, got in, locked it again and drove away. Ten minutes later Sara was back at her motel. Sara opened her room door and entered, slowly making her way to the bed, all the time whispering to herself,

"I can do this, I am strong, I can do this."

Csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi

AN Thanks for reading, it will most likely be a couple of weeks before I can update as I'm going away and will not have internet access. I hope you enjoyed this chapter; please review if you did as this lets me know that I'm getting it right!


End file.
